Those who work hard are naturally rewarded by the virtue of their efforts. But the lazy are occasionally rewarded by luck, and this luck has a way of disenfranchising the hard working. There is an early summer heat wave blanketing the East Coast and it is making the effort that hard work requires a bit more cumbersome. I consider myself hard working, with a side of procrastination. Or, maybe it's the other way around? I am worried that I will never become the atheist that I could have been. Although I am somewhat successful in the IT industry, I get little reward from my work, because I lack any real passion for what I do. On every break I get, whether it is my lunch break, or a 10 minute bathroom break, I jump to sites on my phone that deliver my real passions: science, philosophy and religion.
The problem with these subjects is that it is not easy for one to just walk into them and find work. One doesn't just become a scientist, or a philosopher. These fields often require a PhD, which I would certainly be capable of getting, if only money and time weren't an issue. But philosophy, my main passion, is not a real money making endeavor. Philosophers do not make anything other than essays, books, and lectures. They can sit on ethics committees or boards as advisers and this can sometimes make money. But ultimately, philosophy itself only asks that you think more deeply and logically about ethics, and reflect on your existence and the existence of nature around you. Philosophy requires thinking, and thinking alone does not produce money. So as a result, I am cursed in a way, by the virtue of my interests. If I were a money-obsessed financial type I could be rich right now, or at least a lot more wealthy. But instead, I am of the type whose interests in life are best suited for the one for whom money preexists or is earned my other means. I've often dreamed of win for life lottery games, and how much getting a free, un-worked for paycheck every week would allow myself to devote my life for humanist and atheist causes.
What could I do with all that free time? The atheist that I could have been would be working for a humanist or atheist organization of some sorts. I'd be more immersed in politics. I'd write more and give speeches; I'd debate and protest. The only problem with organized atheism or organization of any kind, is that you have a body of people making rules and policies that I may or may not agree with. I don't always like that, but then I could be a part of that body making the rules or voting on them.
At work I suffer from a lack of motivation. I fear that this lack of motivation might be not just a lack of motivation specific to my job, but a lack of motivation for life itself. There are days when I seem to not care about anything, and I lack the ability to connect with others due to my depression and indifference. These days are the worst and they make me feel bad about myself. I get depressed when I do not connect with others, because I am human and like everyone else, I need human contact. I have a really hard time getting along with those I work with. I feel best when I work with a small group of people whose interests are similar to mine. I am the same way with friends.
Smoking marijuana is great for self reflection. I haven't smoked in some time, but when I do, I have these mental epiphanies that are quite astounding. I suddenly see where I need to improve and what I need to change. I examine all aspects my life in great detail. Perhaps a little deeper self reflection is warranted.
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