Friday, April 30, 2010

To blog or not to blog...?

Up with insomnia and having my head full of thoughts is making it hard to sleep. On top of that I took a nap today in the afternoon which threw off my sleep schedule even more. Plus now that Spring is here the days are getting longer and the Sun is rising earlier and I hate to see the rays of the Sun as I embark on my journey of rest. It's always a difficult journey.

So what's on my mind? I want a girlfriend. But then, I don't want a girlfriend. I want to be single, but then I don't want to be single. Damn. I want to meet the right girl, that's for sure, but then I don't want to settle down now. I don't know. Maybe a temporary relationship is fine. 1 yearish kind of thing.

Of course that would be the longest relationship I ever had if it were so. When I tell people that I haven't had a relationship longer than 6 months they are very surprised. I often don't provide that information unprovoked. I've never even had 1 single long term relationship. Not one. How long is an LTR? Let's say 5 years. That's an LTR at least to me. I can't even imagine what that's like. I really can't. I hope I do one day.

I've been working out to try to pump up for the Summer. I have 2 months before it's t-shirt weather everyday, actually less. But anyway, I want to get a nice cut first. I'm already thin. I lost 15 pounds during the Winter and I want to gain it back with a lot of muscle. So I don't have to loose weight I have to gain it. My BowFlex can get me looking cut very fast. I gotta look good this Summer. Last Summer was fun. I went out a lot and did some cool things. This Summer I hope will be even better. I will need a job because money is tight. I will be done with school completely. There will be no class. I'll miss school a little bit. Over the past year I made many friends. The first year of school I didn't make much friends. My hectic schedule didn't allow for much social time anyway.

I reinvented myself several times during the past few years at school. I went from a four-eyed total geek look to a slick-haired dude, to a goateed i-don't-know-what. Each look was carefully calculated. There are times when I don't care about my "look." I just do whatever. Then I get back into being superficial and start caring about my clothes and hair and shit like that. I'm not sure if I am happy with the "image" I've left on people. It's not how I want to be portrayed. In truth, we are all different images to different people. Seeing myself on camera which I rarely do, allowed me to see how I really look, from an other persons' perspective. It's the only way to see how you'd look from someone else's point of view. It's always a shocker when I see myself on camera because I notice a bunch of things that I don't notice otherwise. Like my voice sounds different from how I hear it in my head and my mannerisms make me look weird or different. When I see myself on camera I see a whole different person that I didn't know existed. It's me. It's not who I think I am. I think we all have that reaction when we see ourselves on camera. I look so geeky on camera. I never realized how much of a geek I was. I thought I was much cooler than that. Maybe I am a geek. Maybe I tricked myself into thinking or convincing myself that I'm much cooler than I actually am. But the camera showed me from an unbiased point of view where my desire to think I'm cool couldn't distort reality. So what to I have to do? Change reality.

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