Thursday, March 4, 2010

A powerful four letter word

Love...

What is love?

By definition it's: having a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.

I don't think I've ever been in love before. I've been crazy about girls to the point where I think about them all the time but I've never been in love in that I've had that same reciprocation from the person I love. For me it's always been a one way street. Love hurts they say, yes it does. Maybe if I had been born somewhere else I'd have met the perfect person and I'd have a deep love story to tell. But it hasn't happened.

I'm still relatively young. I have a lot of time.

Being hurt by love is so hard. I understand all those love songs I heard when I was growing up, I can relate to the what the message is. How do you know you're in love? What are the signs? What's the difference between love and madness?

I've always hid my love from others. I never even told my own mother that I love her until recently. She could have died without ever hearing it from me. That's fucked up. I guess deep down I'm very sensitive. It's hard for me to love openly. I fear getting hurt just like everyone else. This can manifest itself into the fear of love itself. I don't want to fear love, I want to embrace it. Love it perhaps the greatest ecstasy that a human being can ever experience.

My adult life has been devoid of most love. I've been alone the majority of the time. I've gotten cool with it, but that's not safe. To learn to live without love can be a scary scenario. Love should be something we need. Imagine a world without it and you will shiver in your seat.

Maybe I will take a nap and dream about love. Dream about the one I love who doesn't care much for me. In my dream we're deeply in love and it is so strong we are able to look past our imperfections and shortcomings. That's real love. Love is when a man can cry in the shoulders of his woman and she embraces him so that he knows it is alright and he doesn't need to feel any shame. Love is when a man can look past his woman's imperfections and do whatever it takes to make her feel special and devote himself to her 100 percent. Love is giving her what she wants when she feel like it. Love means abstaining from what she doesn't want you to do because you know it bothers her. Love means cheering her up when she's sad because you want so bad to see her happy. Love is having a better day just knowing that she loves you back. Love is being depressed when you are away from her.

Love is a standard that we all fall short of. Lovers have their fights and disagreements. Lovers sometimes hate each other. Love is intermittent and rarely lasts a lifetime. Love is....one thing I don't have right now.

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